Die Phoebe Die
by Paigeriffic
Summary: Piper finally snaps. Her lost temper puts into play a chain of events that no one could have predicted.
1. And So It Begins

Piper was cutting vegetables in the kitchen. She was nearly done with supper. She put the knife down and smiled. All done; now she could relax for a bit. Phoebe came running through the door and grabbed a handful of the vegetables and sat down.  
  
"Those were for supper Phoebe!"  
  
"They were? Oh well, it won't take long to cut some more."  
  
"Well no it wouldn't… if that hadn't been the last of them and the shops weren't shutting."  
  
"Oh…well...oops?"  
  
She kicked her shoes off, her muddy shoes, and put her feet up on the table. The shoes left a trail of mud all round the kitchen. Piper clenched her fists angrily and went to get herself a drink. The kettle boiled and she tipped the steaming hot water into a mug. She smiled to herself and imagined tipping it over Phoebe's head. The scalded skin and the screaming. Suddenly she shook herself and wondered why she was thinking like that. Sure Phoebe pissed her off sometimes, but to the extent of causing her actual bodily harm? She finished making the coffee and put it on the table, as she went to get a magazine. When she walked back to the table Phoebe was drinking the coffee.   
  
"Oooh! Is that the latest Cosmo?"  
  
Phoebe ran up and plucked the magazine out of Piper's hands, and then walked out the room with the coffee. Something in Piper snapped. Without thinking she grabbed the vegetable knife and threw it at Phoebe. Time seemed to slow in the room and thoughts raced through her head.   
  
'Oh god, what have I done? I can freeze it and she'll never know. Why aren't I freezing the knife? Do I actually want to freeze the knife?'  
  
"Knife!"  
  
The knife disappeared and orbed into Paige's hand. She walked in from the hallway and stared at Piper in disbelief. She quickly hid the knife behind her back.  
  
"Paige? Why did you just shout knife?"  
  
Asked Phoebe, with a confused look on her face. Paige shrugged and hustled Phoebe out the room.  
  
"Um...you...uh…must have imagined it. Go read your magazine, I have to talk to Piper."  
  
Phoebe skipped happily out the room and Paige turned to Piper. She went and sat down at the table and placed the knife in front of Piper.  
  
"What's with the knife Piper? What's it all about?"  
  
"Well…I…uh…my hand slipped?"  
  
Piper said unconvincingly and Paige rolled her eyes. Piper wrung her hands for a while and then started to cry.   
  
"I don't know! Phoebe was just annoying me so much. Something snapped and I saw the knife."  
  
"And decided to throw it. I know I've thought of doing it before."  
  
"You have? But I thought that you two got on well."  
  
"Ha, that's a joke."  
  
Laughed Paige cynically.  
  
"Ever since the Cole crap happened we've been walking on eggshells around each other…"  
  
"What? What is it? There's something else isn't there?"  
  
"Well. I just don't trust her. I keep expecting her to dump us for Cole or turn evil again."  
  
"And…?"  
  
"And she really annoys me. I know I'm new to the craft but still. Does she have to speak in that patronising, holier than thou way, about magic to me all the time?"  
  
"I'll have a word with her…"  
  
Piper began, but was cut off by Paige.  
  
"Its not fair! She acts like a super witch all the time and treats me like a newbie beginner. Hell, at least I am useful in fights with demons. At least my powers are worth shit."  
  
"Paige! That's not fair. Her power used to be very useful."  
  
"Yeah, used to be. Lets face it Piper. When was the last time she had a useful premonition. Or needed to use levitation. Levitation? What's with that? Its so pointless I can't believe its an actual power."  
  
Piper pursed her lips and nodded reluctantly.  
  
"Well. Although I don't like to say it, but I have to agree with you. I either blow the demons up or you take them down with your powers."  
  
"What use is Phoebe? I mean really?"  
  
"She…um…"  
  
Piper stumbled for a while and then thought.  
  
"Oh! She is a member of the power of three and without her there wouldn't be a power of three."  
  
"Curses."  
  
"Curses? Why curses? What were you thinking?"  
  
"I was thinking it would be nice to get rid of her. Then we would alleviate ourselves of the Cole crap and any future mess-ups she'd make. And I am sure there will be many. But we can't unless we want to break the power of three."  
  
"And by get rid of you mean…?"  
  
Paige ran a finger across her throat and Piper gave a wicked little smile.  
  
"I'm sure we could find away of doing both."  
  
"Both?"  
  
"Yes. Taking of care of out sister dearest and keeping the power of three alive. God knows how many other prospective Charmed Ones are out there. Patty's middle name was promiscuous."  
  
"Well at least it fits in with the P theme!"  
  
They both fell about laughing. They laughed until they cried. Eventually Phoebe came in with an expectant look on her face.  
  
"Hey guys, what's so funny?"  
  
Piper stood up, wiped the happy tears out of her eyes and leaned on the back of the chair. Paige daintily sipped a coffee.  
  
"Why nothing of course Phoebe. Why do you ask?"  
  
"I'm sure I heard some crazy laughter coming from in here."  
  
"You must be imaging it. You seem to be doing that a lot today. Maybe you need to take a rest?"  
  
"A long long rest? I know, you go upstairs and have a nap."  
  
"And we'll make you a special drink. It'll help you sleep."  
  
"Sleep is one way of putting it."  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
Asked Phoebe, with a worried expression. Piper hastily amended Paige.  
  
"She said: sleep is one..um…*cough*.."  
  
"What? I didn't quite catch that."  
  
"Oh well. Never mind. Just get upstairs and rest already."  
  
Phoebe gave them a stupid smile and began to walk out the room.  
  
"This is really sweet of you guys you know."  
  
Paige and Piper gave her a fake smile and sighed with relief when she was finally gone.  
  
"Ready to make the 'special' drink?"  
  
"Deep down, I've been ready all my life."  
  
"You sure? You have known Phoebe a lot longer than me. Sisterly love and bonds and stuff."  
  
"Bond Schmond. Lets do this thang already."  
  
And without further ado they made the 'special' drink and took it upstairs to Phoebe.  
  
* * *  
  
  
A/n Ok, that's this chapter done. Tune in next chapter to see if Phoebe is killed. Ok I'll tell you this…. she won't be killed…yet. Await more humorous attempts on her life in the next chapter. 


	2. Second Time Lucky?

Piper and Paige stood over the saucepan, the Book of Shadows propped open in front of them. "A sleeping spell. With a few… adjustments it will be perfect." Said Paige, a mischievous smile adorning her face.   
  
Piper pursed her lips and tapped a wooden spoon on the tabletop. "Isn't this personal gain? And wouldn't this mean we are evil? Using our magic to kil… dispose of Phoebe?"  
  
Paige thought for a minute, her face perplexed. She suddenly smiled a smug smile. "Its all about the bigger picture Piper."  
  
"The… bigger picture? Have you found some kind of loop hole Paige?"  
  
"Think about it for a minute. Phoebe Halliwell. A 'powerful' witch, a Charmed One. She has access to some of the most powerful white magic in the world and she turns evil at the drop of a hat." Paige responded with a knowing grin.  
  
"So we would be doing the world a favour." Said Piper, almost laughing. "Preventative measures you might call it."  
  
"We are the contraception to the spawn that is Phoebe's destructiveness!" Paige said exultantly.   
  
Piper gave her a weird look and put some herbs in the saucepan. "That's an… interesting analogy. Now we just need a couple more things and then we'll be free of Phoebe."  
  
"Amen to that." Said Paige, as she tipped some black powder into the bubbling brew. There was a flash of light and the potion gave off a puff of pink smoke.   
  
Piper looked thoughtfully at it. "Pink smoke… now that's apt. Come on, let's go and commit certain deeds." She took Paige's hand and they orbed upstairs. They reappeared outside Phoebe's bedroom. Piper knocked and then went inside. Phoebe was propped up in bed, reading a magazine.  
  
'My magazine!' Thought Piper, her fist clenching with rage. It took all her self-control not to get the potion and physically ram it down her Phoebe's throat. Phoebe looked up at them and smiled.  
  
"Aww, you guys are so great. Is that my 'special' drink?" She said.  
  
Paige nodded and smiled sweetly, as she pushed Piper towards Phoebe. "The drink. Do it. Do it now." She hissed under her breath.   
  
Piper glared as she made her way to Phoebe, gracefully picking her way amongst the clothes and rubbish spread on the floor. "Oh Phoebe, your room is such a mess! But that won't matter to you soon." She bent over to give Phoebe the drink.   
  
Phoebe suddenly sat up and pointed at the window, inadvertently knocking the drink out of Piper's hands. It hit the wall and started to fizz, smoking slightly. "Wow! A bird!" She exclaimed.   
  
Piper tried to cover up the spilt potion, which had burnt through the wall and was spewing purple smoke. "Yeah a bird! That's nice, hey! I think that sleeping won't do you any good. Lets all go for a nice walk! Get some fresh air!" Piper said, as Paige hastily grabbed Phoebe and dragged her out the room.   
  
"You go and wait in the hall. We'll be down in a minute." Phoebe skipped off down the stairs and Paige turned angrily to Piper. "What the hell are we going to do now? That potion was our one way ticket out of Phoebe-Ville."  
  
"Don't I know it… Ok, we take her for a walk and then dispose of her out there."   
  
Paige smiled. "And we can dump the body in a river or something. Maybe this plan can be salvaged after all. Right, lets go kill us some witch!" Exclaimed Paige, as she orbed down to Phoebe.  
  
* * *  
  
There was a tense silence in the car as the Charmed Ones drove along. Phoebe was sitting in the back, humming softly to herself as she coloured in a dot-to-dot book. "Are we nearly there yet?" She enquired.  
  
Piper clenched the wheel and almost swerved into an oncoming truck. "No, we still aren't. Just like we weren't the last fourty two times you asked. Just be quiet and colour in your book." Piper snapped, once again focusing on the road ahead.  
  
Paige sighed and nervously tapped her hands on the hand rest. She flicked the radio on and flicked the stations around. Piper reached out and slapped her hand away. "Just leave it. You might get a Britney Spears song up, and we'll be stuck listening to it."  
  
"Did someone say Britney Spears?" Asked Phoebe, instantly perking up. "Hey, are we nearly there yet?"  
  
Piper growled and veered off the road, sending them down a bumpy track towards a field with a river running alongside it.  
  
"Uh, Piper? What are you doing? I thought we were going to…" Asked Paige cautiously.  
  
"This is as good a place as any." Piper interrupted, as she stopped the car with a screech of brakes and jumped out.  
  
Phoebe threw down her colouring book and ran off into the grass, laughing merrily. "Look a butterfly! Look a flower! Look some air!" She said, as she looked at the wonder of nature.  
  
Piper gave her a disgusted look and held up her hands to blow Phoebe up. "Ok Paige, are we ready?"  
  
"Not just yet. Lets have some fun first." She looked at a stone and orbed it at Phoebe's head.  
  
Phoebe squealed in delight and bent down to pick a flower. The stone flew over her head and splashed into the river.   
  
"Damn it! Why won't she die?" Shouted Paige angrily.  
  
Phoebe looked up and called out. "What did you say?"  
  
"I said. Um. Why don't you see if you can fly? Go up a tree and jump off." Paige quickly said, hoping that Phoebe would believe her.  
  
With a retarded laugh Phoebe ran up to a tree and started to climb. She got a few feet off the ground and shouted. "Is this high enough?"  
  
"No, go higher. All the way to the top." Piper shouted back, smirking slightly.  
  
There was a sharp crack and Phoebe began to fall as a branch snapped. Piper and Paige looked on ecstatically. Then there was a loud ripping noise and Phoebe stopped falling. Her jacket had caught on a branch. She waved and smiled as her sisters groaned.  
  
"I can't take much more of this. If she falls and doesn't die then you blow her up. Fun or no fun." Commanded Paige, as Piper nodded in agreement.  
  
"Hey guys! I'm at the top! I can almost see our house from here!" Squawked Phoebe, as she balanced precariously at the top of the tree.  
  
"No she can't. We live miles away and she isn't even wearing her glasses." Muttered Paige.   
  
Piper shushed her and gave Phoebe a large fake smile. "Ok… sweetie. Just jump, and remember to flap your arms or you might not fly!"  
  
"Here I go!" Screamed Phoebe as she leapt from the tall tree. Piper and Paige held their breath. Phoebe flapped and flapped yet didn't fly. Her sisters shouted happily and began walking back to the car.   
  
Suddenly there was a zapping sound and the smell of scorched flesh. They span around and saw Phoebe's slightly smoking body being knocked out of the air by a random bolt of lightning.  
  
"Well. Its not what we had in mind, but a deaths a death. Ooo! Look, she's landing in the river!" Said Paige in an awed voice.  
  
Piper smiled and looked at the sky. "Thank you Prue." She said softly. There was a sudden beam of light from the clouds and the sound of harps.   
  
"Oh for fecks sake! Piper! Look!" Paige was pointing to the riverbank.   
  
Phoebe was clawing her way out of the water. She smiled and sat on the bank, steaming slightly. "Looks like I can't fly. Lucky I got struck by lightning and thrown into the river though!"  
  
Piper threw up her hands and blew the earth up underneath Phoebe. Phoebe slipped and fell back into the river, screaming feebly.  
  
"Way to go Piper." Said Paige in admiration. She grabbed Piper's arm and led her back towards the car, trying to ignore Phoebe's muffled gurgles and shouts for help.  
  
"We'll go back to The Manor and call for help, Phoebe." Replied Piper, as she opened the door of her car.  
  
"What about *glug* your cell phone *glug*?" Phoebe spluttered, as she was swept past them.  
  
Piper took her cell phone and swallowed it. "The uh, battery is dead. We'll go and call for help." She quickly jumped into her car and sped off with Paige.  
  
About five miles down the road Paige finally spoke. "I think we finally did it. I think she is gone. For good." She smiled happily and sat back with a contented sigh.  
  
"Lets hope so. It seems kind of anti-climatic after all of that. Oh well. Say, you wanna go get drunk and eat Mexican food?" Asked Piper.  
  
"Sure!" Said Paige, as the two sisters happily drove off to get drunk and eat Mexican food.  
  
  
A/n. Could this really be the end of Phoebe? Oh gosh, I hope not. There's still so many ways to hurt/maim/kill her! Keep reading next chapter folks. 


End file.
